agonies of remorse

I have the sense of deep and bitter regret for being gutless. I keep on thinking what if I tell her earlier, what if she receive the letter I sent, I know it is too late to talk about all this; the answer I get might not be what I want but at least I have done something. It is easy to tell people what they suppose to do, how to get over their problem; but it is just too hard. I am filled with remorse. I hate to accept the fact that I got no chance, I hate to accept the fact that this is more painful compare to my mom threw a knife at me even it didn’t hit me. But what can I do, I can’t do shit because I never do anything at all. So now I deserved to suffer the agony of indecisions.

I thought I’ll feel better after I tell her. Yes, it does, for few hours. But the fact is the feeling is just so strong and it getting stronger. Everyone know that drinking is not a solution but I want to drink badly now. I wish I could get drunk forever and never ever sober again. I realize I am not as strong as what I thought. I like sunset, I like to see fallen flower, I am just a pessimistic person. Nothing seems to satisfy, I think I’ll lose my mind if I can’t find something to pacify.